How to make me smile

Lately I have been thinking of all the things I would love to happen in order to make me smile and feel better, so here goes. I guess it may work for others so try it?

*I would love it if someone bought me flowers, I've had them on my birthday but that's it. Never had real ones from boyfriends or family, maybe that would cheer me up, even if it's a daisy picked out the garden. It's still the cutest thing ever.

*I love it when people try to make an effort with me, I do get that at the moment and I love the people who do that for me. Just sometimes it feels nice when someone new takes interest in your feelings and wants to talk to you about them.

*It is nice just to have someone say hello to you, it makes me feel like people have acknowledged me and they at least know I exist.

*If more people had my number and sent me surprise texts it would make me smile. Sometimes when I see a friend's name that I haven't seen or spoken to in a while text me it makes smile, new numbers that talk to me as well make me smile. Only if I know them though.

*I like it when people don't try and show me up, it's fine to be better than me at somethin, but it's not ok to rub it in my face. I don't think many people like that.

*I have a very different way of thinking and doing things, it would be nice if people understood that my way is different and that I don't want big dramas, I want my personal sweetnesses.

*I want to find that someone who I can rely on to complete me and make me happy.

*I basically would like to fit into my comfort zone again.

Depressed Dinosaurs

So I hope no-one reads this.

It is three months on since my break up with my ex. In that time I have suffered so many emotional rollercoasters it is unbelievable that my stomach is still in tact. It must sound stupid to those of you who believe in 'you'll get over it' or 'you're only young', but in fairness it has been tough and I can't help that.

I have been questioning these past few months who I am and I have managed to retrieve past me's I both like and dislike as well as experiments of myself. I have wondered how much of me people saw when I was with him and whether these past two years my whole personality has been a lie. I can't really tell what other people would say but I know that my best friend would say I hadn't.

In all honesty I have been depressed, please don't judge me. I am well aware of what depression is and there is a high number of the population who suffer from it. I don't suffer, nor do I take anti-depressants because of it, I just feel depressed, low in character and I am continually questioning myself because I am not comfortable.

You see I always feel as though I am judged, every day at Primary and Secondary school I was prone to some kind of bullying and that sucked. I was just vulnerable to so many people, they found my insecurities and attacked me with them, I have a lot of insecurities. As a result of that I now feel people are constantly judging me, that things I say, post or tweet will be looked at with judgements. I am scared that I will never be good enough for anyone.

I feel like this whole year I have lost so much, which I probably have touched on in previous blogs. I feel like I am losing my friends, I lost my boyfriend. I feel like I am losing all social connections because people have grown a dislike to me. My problem is that I'm not very sociable because I am shy and have a fear of making an utter fool of myself. I lack confidence in certain situations and am very self-conscious, I need to be careful because I know that I don't want to do stupid things and then regret it.

Don't make me lose my heritage. I haven't reduced myself to tears but I have made my mind feel soft, any emotion just absorbed and then I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been pushed out, isolated by so many individuals. I don't want to feel like that, I want everything how it was,

In long and short I just want a hug, but I can't get one. My parents don't hug me, my brother doesn't hug me. I don't see my friends enough to hug me, I get hugs for about 3 weeks before it becomes questionnable under child protection policies. I know what kind of hug I want. I want a hug from someone who doesn't have to run off in a hurry, a hug from someone who generally wants to see me or enjoys my company. You don't have to be in love with me or have a crush on me to hug me, I just want to feel like I am loved and wanted in society, but isn't that like everyone?

What keeps me going is that I recognise people who want to talk to me or see me. I understand that to some people I am their rock and to others I am a few pebbles, but I still serve a purpose in their life. I also remember how to many I am a role model and favoured, though I wish more people would show it.

I admit that I am struggling

I am struggling to come to terms with things right now. The break up with my ex has caused so much unsettlement in my routine, right before exams as well.
I was happy doing 4 shifts a week, seeing my ex every weekend, going to college everyday and cadets every thursday. But since that I have increased my shifts, tried hard to revise but I can't. I can't focus anymore and it's driving me insane. I am desperately trying to find a guy friend (not a boyfriend) who I can talk to when I need them because all of my other friends have girlfriends or aren't interested in my personality at all.
Although my friends are supportive and always tell me they are here for me, it is still hard to manage and shift between everyone again.
This year has been a year of loss and I am going to lose everything, I can feel it... except work, but then I will lose people at work and that will be awful.
It sounds so stupid and depressing but: my long term relationship broke down, I lost that. I lost my best friend and all the memories we had. I lost weight (though that is a good thing). I feel like some of my friends are being taken from me. I feel like my education has lost focus, I will lose that too from my routine and hopefully I'll get into Uni. There is a possibility that my cadets might break down because depending on Uni, I may never get to go back as a leader. I don't want that to close.
My family and work right now are the only things I have gripped in my hands but I'm sure there will be a way of taking that from me too. I do not want to drive myself to lose it, I feel pretty weak and that I have only a few friends who really care for who I am.
I don't want to change my personality, I want to be accepted. Personally I don't want to be judged by it. I wish it was easy to piece your life back together, but it isn't.
I don't want everything in my life walking out on me... even the things I most love about my life, but some of that was already taken. I don't want to be seen as ungrateful, because all the things in my life I still have left are a part of my heart. Reading it back to myself this seems pathetic of me to write, I wish I wasn't so damn critical about myself. Maybe then I would find the confidence within me to act myself and not some crazed freak, maybe instead of talking to myself in front of the mirror I might finally be able to hold a conversation.
Maybe I don't have many friends because I want to hold those I have close to me because I am scared of losing them. And I generally am, there isn't a day that goes by when I wish I made all the different choices, the times I wish I wasn't such a bitch or a creap.
My friends have problems that are far worse than mine but I feel like I am not doing my bit in being there for them. Sometimes, I don't know how to talk to them because I am scared I will be foolish and hurt them. When people don't reply to me, after I have said something, makes me feel I have done something wrong.
I get myself all hyped up for things that will never happen and I listen to little details about a person and then realise I didn't read it right. This happens in my studies too and I am sick of it. It is like there is someone up there who taunting me. They find my misfortunes funny and this encourages me to lack in confidence.
This is effectively a note that reads "I am a hearty person with deep emotions". And my English teacher was right 'it's not a good idea to fall in/out of love before/during your exams'.

I just need all the hope I can get to pass, and drag all my friends along with me. I have worked so hard all my young life, cut me some slack. I am 17 years old and probably seen as hypocritical, but I refuse for you to tell me that, because we're not in each others shoes.

I wish you would read this

Right now, I want to dedicate this space in my blog to you. I wish you would read it and realise, how stupidly I've fallen, but I've still fallen.
I'm not going to grab you and say I need you but at the same time I wish we could talk all day, everyday until our sorry little hearts couldn't gamble one more minute of sleep. Then we'd both fall. I at least wish I could get closer to you without creating some freaky, delusional paradise that makes us both uncomfortable. See it's impecable that you might be the first person I fall for, but you've touched my heart in some ways and it's an expression I wish I could tell you about. But I don't want to look like a fool, I'm scared you'll hate me which is stupid because we're friends.
At the same time I don't want this blog to be anonymous but I don't want to frighten you off. It's not killing me to keep it in and I wish I could have told you from the moment I first felt it (ages ago), but I couldn't because I had a boyfriend. Now, hearing your voice makes me smile somewhat inside. That makes me happy.
You wouldn't be seen dead with someone like me and I feel I'd get in the way so much. But then again I'm paranoid about that from my last relationship. I don't want to be seen like a player or a whore because generally I just fell and you can't argue with heart's thoughts.
You see I have felt myself become so captured in my previous relationship and now I'm scared changing will make everyone, and you, hate me. It's cool if we are never together, and it's ok if I never tell you who this is about, the thing that kills me inside is that one day we won't be friends and one day I will lose you. I'm already petrified as it is to talk to you, in case you'll dismiss me or find me annoying.
The other problem I have is that people are seeing me as an only option and I don't want to be that, I wish to be someone that one person see's his heart in and goes for it. I would be that person, I've already proved that I can be that person. I am a pretty good girlfriend, I'd be that for you.
Coldplay is playing to give me inspiration to write this for you. If this is the only thing I do, know this is the sweetest way of telling you. Even if you never felt the same way about me before, even though I've had my suspiscions, it was nice to fall for someone like you. And your eyes are one of the most amazing things about you, along with your smile. I really want to get to know your personality.
I could insert some cheesy love/crush song but who needs that? I can't make myself the promise I'll get you, although I wish I would. So if I want to get close to you, I guess you'll know why.
I don't get bored easily, I just want to get everything right this time and not let someone take over me like they did. I wouldn't feel like my life was so controlled because I'd finally be able to be myself around someone.
I would love every insecurity you had and I'd hold you on every fear you encountered. I would give you space and I wouldn't restrict your thoughts. I'm delving too deep but, this is how I feel.
I know you can see the hurt inside me, because you have told me. Even if I could get one cuddle, it would be so rich, I would cherish it for a long time.
But I'm being idiotic because I know you won't read it, I know there is only so much I can do in person without chickening out. Sometimes I literally shake with nerves, but I keep myself calm and collected just to be able to talk to you.
I just love the way you look at me and smile, even if it's unintentional. You made me fall, I can only thank you for that.

A New Beginning

Do you know what? I broke up with my ex on Monday and I thought it would be the end of the world but the great thing was, it wasn't!
Moving on, although seems hard, is actually quite easy (or was in my case). I have made some closer friendships from the whole ordeal and discovered how many people love and appreciate my company. The fact of the matter is that although you think these break ups will bring you down, if you out weigh everything that went good and everything that went bad you realise it was worth it all along.
I feel so close to so many people and I have been brought even closer and reminded who my friends are and that they are always there for me. Likewise, I will be for them.
The things I have learned is that break ups are pratically decayed friendships, while you can remember the good times it is important not to over indulge yourself in the past.
You can be single again which means you can have crushes and source out your perfect match, even days after the break up. It means you can really explore the magic in your friendships and do things differently the second time/third/fourth etc. You can let your heart fly off on thoughts and tangents without feeling guilty about any other person.
I over-romanticise everything but I have a pretty good idea of how I want my next adventure to start, I very good idea. I know the kind of person I want, and I know it sounds stupid and that I'm too young but I'm just filling the missing links again.
But I have moved on, as quick as it sounds, because it seems he's moved on. I won't dwell over it and cry myself to sleep. I'm just focussing on my friend's, college, work and ultimately finding my Mr Right.
The worst part is missing the cuddles and the individual things a relationship gives you, so open your arms wide at my approach and welcome me with a cuddle. :)

Talented Dinosaurs

Ever since we were young it seemed that we all fought to find our talents. When I was younger I was always convinced I would play the violin, not once did I ever learn to play. So I figured I would be in a band and sing, but that was at Primary School, I sing for the laughs anyway. Then I believed I would become a black belt martial artist, unfortunately though my taekwondo school closed down when I was merely three belts off. I thought I would take my hand at dance, but everyone does dance and when you're not the most 'fit' you just feel like a fool. Song writing didn't go too well for me either, lyrics are fine but the chords... well, I don't think it's explainable.
But there is nothing better than finding your talents. Lots of people tell me I am a nice, respectable person; easy to get on with. That's a talent really, I don't care what people are but I care who, it's like a metal detector for personalities. Self indulging like this post is often frowned upon but I hardly do it anyway!
Now though, I have an obstacle to my rather concrete talent. I want to write. I want to write dramatically with prolonging melancholy yet have creatures of slime within my work, though I can see that being difficult from an auto-biographical perspective. University stands in my way, my grades and work stand in my way. I want to be professional not a 'pass-me-off' writer, I don't want to be a one hit wonder, I want to be a role model. That's why I want to write. I have already written, I am currently writing and I won't stop, but I'll never trip over my obstacles ever again.

Over average Dinosaurs

Average is a line in society, more a box, when stepped over or crossed you're either above or below. Only a certain number of people can fit within that box, I'm stood five yards from it. I don't seem like a bright spark sometimes, and kick myself when I look like a fool. I plan everything I will wear, say or do and create a 'perfect' world in my head.
I tend to be discreet at college and only 'let myself out' if I am comfortable, but I think that applies to everyone right?
Over average always means you're picked on, regardless of who you are. Teachers pick on you, then one wrong answer and you feel like you've let the world down. Evidentally, you're wishing the moment to pass, like you're running away from everyone and their thoughts, because they just get in your head and once they're there it suppression that gets rid of them.
Half the time, you play back the days events in your head and regret anything stupid you did. I once made my friend jump and they smacked their head against the wall, I still feel so guilty even though they've probably forgotten.
I'm not normal. Neurologically and physically I am fine, just manneristically I am abstract, my ideas are radical yet achievable. Everyone else colours up to the lines, I make a whole new picture of things. Everyone else cries at the oppressed female, I anger with her for her oppression. Everyone else describes in similes, I use metaphors- they're just exaggerations anyway.
As an over average person, I achieve, learn, smile, make, and laugh to please. I just over romanticise everything in the mean time.