I am struggling to come to terms with things right now. The break up with my ex has caused so much unsettlement in my routine, right before exams as well.
I was happy doing 4 shifts a week, seeing my ex every weekend, going to college everyday and cadets every thursday. But since that I have increased my shifts, tried hard to revise but I can't. I can't focus anymore and it's driving me insane. I am desperately trying to find a guy friend (not a boyfriend) who I can talk to when I need them because all of my other friends have girlfriends or aren't interested in my personality at all.
Although my friends are supportive and always tell me they are here for me, it is still hard to manage and shift between everyone again.
This year has been a year of loss and I am going to lose everything, I can feel it... except work, but then I will lose people at work and that will be awful.
It sounds so stupid and depressing but: my long term relationship broke down, I lost that. I lost my best friend and all the memories we had. I lost weight (though that is a good thing). I feel like some of my friends are being taken from me. I feel like my education has lost focus, I will lose that too from my routine and hopefully I'll get into Uni. There is a possibility that my cadets might break down because depending on Uni, I may never get to go back as a leader. I don't want that to close.
My family and work right now are the only things I have gripped in my hands but I'm sure there will be a way of taking that from me too. I do not want to drive myself to lose it, I feel pretty weak and that I have only a few friends who really care for who I am.
I don't want to change my personality, I want to be accepted. Personally I don't want to be judged by it. I wish it was easy to piece your life back together, but it isn't.
I don't want everything in my life walking out on me... even the things I most love about my life, but some of that was already taken. I don't want to be seen as ungrateful, because all the things in my life I still have left are a part of my heart. Reading it back to myself this seems pathetic of me to write, I wish I wasn't so damn critical about myself. Maybe then I would find the confidence within me to act myself and not some crazed freak, maybe instead of talking to myself in front of the mirror I might finally be able to hold a conversation.
Maybe I don't have many friends because I want to hold those I have close to me because I am scared of losing them. And I generally am, there isn't a day that goes by when I wish I made all the different choices, the times I wish I wasn't such a bitch or a creap.
My friends have problems that are far worse than mine but I feel like I am not doing my bit in being there for them. Sometimes, I don't know how to talk to them because I am scared I will be foolish and hurt them. When people don't reply to me, after I have said something, makes me feel I have done something wrong.
I get myself all hyped up for things that will never happen and I listen to little details about a person and then realise I didn't read it right. This happens in my studies too and I am sick of it. It is like there is someone up there who taunting me. They find my misfortunes funny and this encourages me to lack in confidence.
This is effectively a note that reads "I am a hearty person with deep emotions". And my English teacher was right 'it's not a good idea to fall in/out of love before/during your exams'.
I just need all the hope I can get to pass, and drag all my friends along with me. I have worked so hard all my young life, cut me some slack. I am 17 years old and probably seen as hypocritical, but I refuse for you to tell me that, because we're not in each others shoes.
No comments:
Post a Comment