Depressed Dinosaurs

So I hope no-one reads this.

It is three months on since my break up with my ex. In that time I have suffered so many emotional rollercoasters it is unbelievable that my stomach is still in tact. It must sound stupid to those of you who believe in 'you'll get over it' or 'you're only young', but in fairness it has been tough and I can't help that.

I have been questioning these past few months who I am and I have managed to retrieve past me's I both like and dislike as well as experiments of myself. I have wondered how much of me people saw when I was with him and whether these past two years my whole personality has been a lie. I can't really tell what other people would say but I know that my best friend would say I hadn't.

In all honesty I have been depressed, please don't judge me. I am well aware of what depression is and there is a high number of the population who suffer from it. I don't suffer, nor do I take anti-depressants because of it, I just feel depressed, low in character and I am continually questioning myself because I am not comfortable.

You see I always feel as though I am judged, every day at Primary and Secondary school I was prone to some kind of bullying and that sucked. I was just vulnerable to so many people, they found my insecurities and attacked me with them, I have a lot of insecurities. As a result of that I now feel people are constantly judging me, that things I say, post or tweet will be looked at with judgements. I am scared that I will never be good enough for anyone.

I feel like this whole year I have lost so much, which I probably have touched on in previous blogs. I feel like I am losing my friends, I lost my boyfriend. I feel like I am losing all social connections because people have grown a dislike to me. My problem is that I'm not very sociable because I am shy and have a fear of making an utter fool of myself. I lack confidence in certain situations and am very self-conscious, I need to be careful because I know that I don't want to do stupid things and then regret it.

Don't make me lose my heritage. I haven't reduced myself to tears but I have made my mind feel soft, any emotion just absorbed and then I don't know what to do. I feel like I have been pushed out, isolated by so many individuals. I don't want to feel like that, I want everything how it was,

In long and short I just want a hug, but I can't get one. My parents don't hug me, my brother doesn't hug me. I don't see my friends enough to hug me, I get hugs for about 3 weeks before it becomes questionnable under child protection policies. I know what kind of hug I want. I want a hug from someone who doesn't have to run off in a hurry, a hug from someone who generally wants to see me or enjoys my company. You don't have to be in love with me or have a crush on me to hug me, I just want to feel like I am loved and wanted in society, but isn't that like everyone?

What keeps me going is that I recognise people who want to talk to me or see me. I understand that to some people I am their rock and to others I am a few pebbles, but I still serve a purpose in their life. I also remember how to many I am a role model and favoured, though I wish more people would show it.